I experienced a big realization this afternoon and that is that coaching is not what I want to do with my life. Now, don't get all het up thinking I'm going to quit my day job - I'm not. Bear with me a bit and I'll try to explain what's going on in my brain.

You see, during my morning ruminations, I realized that what I wanted to do with my life is not coaching - it is to help people live better lives, to make the world a better place and to be part of the process of making that happen in the world around me. Coaching (which I love and hope to continue doing for some time to come) is simply one way in which I am doing what I want to do with my life. At some other time, it may be something else.

Well, you might say, if you're not quitting coaching and this is just a run of the mill "bigger picture" head trip, then what's the big deal? Why blog about it?

Because for me, this is an immensely freeing leap of understanding. It's easy to get caught up in the immediacy of the things we are doing that we can get attached to the individual actions and not recognize when we have reached the point when what we are doing no longer meets our needs or is taking us more in a direction away from our goals than towards them. We get to thinking that our current chosen work is the 'end all, be all' of our purpose, rather than simply a single mode of achieving that purpose. Really getting that distinction has "detatched" me from the job of coaching and opened me up to understanding that at some time I may be called to move on to another mode of achieving my goals, and that that process of moving on is not only okay, it's probably inevitable.

Whew. Glad I flushed that horse-choker out of my energy pipeline. No wonder I couldn't meditate worth a crap this morning.

And I've also realized something else - something I've known for a while but have been terrified to face head on. What I'm doing is not enough, not by a long shot. Some of you may be familiar with my personal life goal of creating a retreat lifestyle in the southern foothills of western NC, a place where I can live a simple, semi-retired life surrounded by beauty, serenity and self-sufficiency. This is what I see when I close my eyes and dream about my future - me, sitting on a deck overlooking the Blue Ridge Mountains in a sheet-cotton robe with a cup of steaming tea, a wireless laptop on a nearby table for odds and ends of work and an overwhelming sense of peace and richness and rightness.

But there's another vision there, too, a big one that makes me turn away quickly lest my eyes be burnt out, as if I have had the hubris to look upon the face of God uninvited. And that is an image of me, (in a freakin business suit, of all things) leading, advising and working along side great men and women who are in the process of changing the world by changing the way in which it is governed. I am not running for office in this dream, but I am a respected, listened to and integral part of the process of changing the way we live, interact and do business with ourselves and with others in the world. I am part of the process of deep, abiding change in government, moving us to a better way of being.

This, ladies and dudes, scares the lily-white piss out of me. We're talking puddles like a Great Dane puts out. Why? Well for one thing, I hate politics, and this is definitely getting involved in politics. I don't want to get involved in politics. I'm quite good with letting Jon Stewart provide me with all my political information, thank you very much. But this is undeniably a political situation. You can't change public policy if you don't get involved in politics. Crud.

And for another, these are really powerful people I'm seeing - governing members, thought leaders, heads of state. And in my vision they are listening to me, or at least inviting me into the process of change creation as a valued member of the group. Gulp.

And thirdly, I am in a position to make great change - or inadvertently cause great harm if I get it wrong. Holy hot crap in a bucket.

Thoughts I hear in my head range from the old favorite "Who do you think you are, miss too-big-for-your-britches" and such classics as "as if" and "yeah right" and "uhm, you're just little old you, remember?" to "this is stupid, you know - you are out of your freaking gourd."

What a playlist, eh. Recognize any of your own favorites in there?

But I can't ignore the pull to this calling anymore. It hurts to much to keep walking the other way, whistling as loud as I can so I can't hear my conscience screaming at me that "waiting for others to get the ball rolling so you can pick up a sign and slip in behind them once it's safe is a hypocrisy beyond all abiding, young lady, and by the way would it hurt you to call your mother once in a while?" Shaking like a leaf I may be. Sick to my stomach from thinking about it I may feel. But I've got to turn back and face that dreadful light anyway. Because I can no longer live with myself in integrity if I don't.

So what's this mean in terms of cold, hard action? It means finding a way to work toward making this happen. Even if I never get to where I'm dreaming of being, as long as I am walking in that general direction, I am living in integrity. So I guess I need to find a way to get involved with some people who are working hard to make the differences in the world around them that I want to support. People like the US Peace Government (formerly the Natural Law Party), the Restorative Justice folks, the Department of Peace initiative and so on. Not sure just how I'm going to swing this and how it will look once I get it in motion. But I guess that's just part of the fun.

Yeah. Fun. Like a ride on a rip-your-heart-out stand-up rollercoaster first thing in the morning before coffee fun.

Wheeeee....

God. There's never an airsick bag around when you need one.